Why did I think this was a good opportunity? Why did I think this was the right thing to do? I have a child who is clearly behaving atypically (not talking to others), and sometimes I feel like I am on the edge of the normal circle looking in and I feel pressure to be making active strides to get into the circle all the time. My love for her is unconditional, but what I know does not matter what matters is how she interprets my actions.Īfter much reflection, I realize that this birthday party was me pushing my daughter to do something that she did not want to do and did not need to do. She may have even felt that my love for her hinged on performing this incredibly difficult and fearful task.
She knew that by performing, she would get treats and praise from Mommy.
I felt that I had coerced my daughter into playing the role of a puppet. But, deep in my gut, I did not feel good about the experience something did not sit right. I praised her after the event, and she had a big smile on her face.
My daughter completed the socially appropriate act of speaking and giving a birthday gift and was thrilled to have a treat as her reward. Cookies are a powerful motivator, apparently.Īt the time, I felt like this event had been a huge success. The fact that she was able to speak when she was clearly distraught was surprising. After a couple of minutes, I told her we were leaving and suddenly she blurted, “I want another cookie!”. I knew this was too much and reminded her that we were going to see her cousin afterwards and we would leave soon. At some point I realized she was a bit more frozen than I expected and when I touched her arm, I realized she was slightly shaking. For the rest of the event, my daughter stood beside my chair and watched the proceedings unfold (a bunch of adults sitting at a distance chatting about work and life). I prompted her to say, “happy birthday” which she was able to blurt out and then we immediately picked a treat from the table. When we arrived at the party, my daughter held the present and I encouraged her to pass it to the birthday child. However, I tried to channel our psychologist, and I think she would have encouraged me to take advantage of the opportunity (especially since I had time to write a story and do a small exposure ladder). Even at the time, I felt this was too soon to push social speaking or interacting with another child that we saw infrequently. If this friend had not had a birthday party, I would not have sought out this opportunity. She would, on occasion, say short statements with my prompting like “hello” and “how are you?” to neighbours that we pass on the sidewalk with the promise of a chocolate chip treat. She did not choose to speak to anyone else. She spoke with restrictions to a handful of other relatives. I suspected that the lure of a special treat on the day of the party would be a strong motivator for her to try to speak.Īt that time, my daughter only spoke freely to her special bubble of people: parents, maternal grandparents, and little cousin. I wrote a story and even conducted a small exposure ladder which included visiting the front yard of the friend’s house the day before the party and stopping to have ice-cream on the sidewalk to increase familiarity with the house (without seeing any people) and provide a positive association with the location (ice cream!). I did not think she would do these things at the party, but we used the lead up to the party to practice these acts during play in our home. …I decided to take the opportunity to practice giving something to another child (present) and saying a socially expected phrase “happy birthday, ”. I thought this would be a good opportunity for my daughter to experience a social gathering with no pressure to play with other kids or do anything at all other than stay by my side to maintain distance from other people. Two weeks after her birthday, we were invited to a socially distant outdoor gathering for my friend’s child’s birthday. She loved it and continues to play “birthday” many months later. We sang Happy Birthday and blew out candles many times. We had virtual “parties” with her paternal relatives and in-person celebrations with her maternal bubble during the pandemic. My daughter turned 3 years old this past summer.
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